


who wants pizza?

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crack, Dirty Jokes, LMAO, Lance's Birthday, M/M, Mario Kart, No Smut, Oblivious Lance (Voltron), Pizza, Stripper Keith (Voltron), keith just wants to do his job, midget strippers, monopoly money, rip lance, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22840450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hunk and Pidge thought it would be funny to hire a male stripper for Lance's 19th birthday. The rest is history.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Kudos: 65





	who wants pizza?

**Author's Note:**

> This concept came to me at 9:00 pm, im sorry, enjoy, this is a mess, LMAOOO

This was it, the moment Lance had been waiting for since, well, high school: his nineteenth birthday. Finally he was past the awkward age of eighteen where he was still considered mama's baby boy. AND he got to spend it on campus with his two best friends, Pidge and Hunk. Who, by the way, he was _totally_ crushing in a "friendly" game of Mario Kart.

"EAT MY SHIT!" Pidge roared from her spot in front of the television. Her nose was mere inches from the screen, furiously mashing buttons on the slightly sticky wii remote in her hands. "Move your fat ass, I can't see--" Lance all but whined. Okay, maybe he was falling behind a bit.

Hunk sat beside Lance on the couch, currently on the phone with someone, but Lance honestly couldn't care--not when he'd just tripped up over one of the banana peels Pidge had dropped. Damn gremlin. Pidge visibly shook with anticipation, mumbling to herself incoherently until her avatar flew past the finish line during the final lap. She threw her hands up in the air and screamed, sweat stains on the armpits of her t-shirt.

"No fair, you cheated," Lance grumbled, flopping down against the back of the couch. Pidge had won first place for the umpteenth time that night, meaning Lance had to pass his remote to Hunk because he'd lost. Again. He offered his remote to Hunk blindly, who in turn put up a finger to shush him as he finished up his call. Lance peeked at him from behind the arm he'd draped dramatically over his eyes. 

"Oh yeah. Totally," Hunk nodded. "8:00 is perfect." he said. Pidge raised her eyebrows, wiping her soggy face in the neck of her shirt. "Who?" She asked, but was cut off abruptly by Hunk. "Alright, see you soon. Buh-bye," Hunk said, finally hanging up his phone and putting it down on the couch beside him. "Pidge, you might wanna change out of that shirt, I, ah, ordered pizza." he said.

Pidge's eyebrows shot up and her lips curled on either side. "No, yeah, I should. Yup, gonna change, be right back guys." She jogged towards the hallway beside the television stand and disappeared around the corner.

"Pizza? I'm famished," Lance sighed dreamily, sitting up from his place on the couch. "You ordered pineapple, right?" he asked. Hunk giggled mischievously. "Hunk? Dude, you got me pineapple, right? Right, Hunk?" Lance frowned, watching as Hunk's smile only grew. "Hunk! You didn't order sausage, did you?" he asked.

When Hunk began laughing, Lance pouted. "Dude, you know how much I hate sausage."

"What? I thought you _loved_ sausage," Pidge smirked, walking back into the living room with a new shirt on and her hair pulled back into a stubby ponytail. Lance rolled his eyes. "Not that kind of sausage, you heathen."

Hunk cackled against the couch. "Oh my god. You're both gross!"

"It't not my fault Hunk doesn't appreciate my taste in the obviously superior pineapple pizza," Lance said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Whatever, you butthole," Pidge shook her head, sitting down on the coffee table.

They sat in a content kind of silence, smiling dumbly at their conversation. It was pretty late at night and they'd already played monopoly, watched a scary movie, ate cupcakes and played Mario Kart. It was a pretty great birthday to Lance. The only thing that could make it even better would be a midget stripper. Lance let out a loud snort at the thought, covering his mouth as he laughed and shook his head. 

"What?" Hunk smiled, jabbing him in the side. Lance shook his head wildly, bent over towards his knees. "Whaaat!" Pidge giggled. 

"WH-" Lance began. He huffed out another laugh. "Take your time," Hunk giggled, watching him. "Gh," Lance managed, face pink. "M-Midget stripper!" he squeaked before throwing himself back onto the couch and laughing. Pidge guwaffed, covering her face in her hands while Hunk's jaw dropped, forming a large crescent moon. "LANCE!" Hunk shrieked, throwing himself into his friend as they shook from laughter. 

"You-" Pidge managed, promptly gagging on her own spit as she cackled. "You're so immature," she sniggered. Lance calmed down, still chortling. Hunk made eye contact with Pidge, and they began giggling again. "What?" Lance asked.

"Nothing-" Hunk began, but was cut short by a sharp knock on the door. "Oh, look, the pizza's here!" Pidge wheezed as Hunk shrieked out of giddiness.

"God, you two are so weird. I'll get it," Lance snorted, heaving himself off the couch, wallet in hand. He unlocked the door and swung it open.

The pizza guy was leaning against the door frame, two boxes of pizza in hand. His eyes looked hooded and he towered over Lance, all dark wavy hair and sharp features. Lance's cheeks flushed under the attention. He cleared his throat. "Hey, hot-stuff," He greeted, hand coming up to rest on his hip. 

"Hey beautiful," The guy winked, mouth curling up. "I got two orders of pizza for you here…extra sausage." He made no effort to hold out the boxes, only watching Lance expectantly. Lance reached into his wallet to pull out a twenty, but the guy's hand shot out to prevent Lance from grabbing it. Lance's eyebrows raised in question, but the guy merely smiled sultry at him.

"Y'know, I accept other forms of payment, too," he said, leaning into Lance's personal space.

Whoa, what? Lance blinked up at him. "Why don't we go inside, hmm?" He winked, swiftly moving past him into the apartment. Lance stood dumbly in the doorframe, pizza completely forgotten. "Huh?"

Pidge and Hunk were howling from their place on the couch as the pizza guy took hold of Lance's elbow and led him towards a chair Pidge was pulling out to the middle of the space. Hunk turned on music and laughed when the pizza guy did a little dance. Lance turned beet red as Pidge whipped out her phone to take pictures, and Lance let the guy push him down against the seat. "Guys?" Lance squeaked. Hunk was cry laughing, Pidge whooping and throwing monopoly money towards the pizza guy as he began to unbutton his work shirt. "Guys, did you hire a stripper?" Lance shrieked, the pizza guy winking at him as he stepped out of his pants, clad in tight fitting red booty shorts that read "juicy" across his ass.

"Is there a problem?" The pizza guy asked, practically in Lance's lap. "N-no, I mean, I'm not complaining, but like I don't even know your name!" Lance rambled, not sure where to place his hands anymore. Hunk shook Pidge's arm, "You're getting all this right??!!"

The pizza guy laughed, voice deep and gravelly. "I'm Keith, but you can call me daddy, birthday boy," he said, turning around in Lance's lap. Pidge screamed, jumping up and down. "Oh! Heh, um, I'm Lance," Lance supplied dumbly. Keith laughed again, shaking his head. His hand came up to Lance's chin to shut his jaw. "Relax," Keith said suavely, moving off Lance's lap again to stand up and begin his routine. He dropped down near Lance's lap, butt jutting out, before standing and walking behind the chair to smooth his hands down Lance's chest.

"ARE YOU GETTING THIS? PIDGE OH MY G O D," Hunk cried, whipping out his own phone to record. Pidge's shoulders shook, tears streaming down her face as she barely managed to dial Allura on facetime. Allura picked up immediately, shrieking as Pidge flips the camera to show her what was happening. "GET THAT BOOTY, YEEESSS!" She whooped, face taking up the entirety of Pidge's phone. Shiro came into the frame, pushing her aside to see what was happening. "Holy shit, you guys weren't joking," he breathed, eyes wide. 

Lance was completely flushed, giggling whenever Keith winked at him or blew a kiss throughout the routine. What a tease, Lance thought. Pidge kept throwing monopoly money, laughing as the song came to an end and Keith finally dropped down into Lance's lap. They applauded and cheered when Keith got up to take an exaggerated bow. 

"I mean he's not a midget but I have to admit that was pretty great," Lance said. Hunk and Pidge cracked up.

"God, you're insufferable."

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading lmao


End file.
